HULA - HOOP

2006-11-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

THIS ONE CAME IN THIS MORNING OVER THE 'ETNI' -- THE LIST FOR ENGLISH TEACHERS IN ISRAEL, JUST AS I WAS SADDLING UP MY MOTOBECAINE:

-------- Original Message --------> Subject: help me find my friends> From: "gordon buckley" <thebuckleyclan@tiscali.co.uk>> > I don't know if this is the correct site but i'm trying to find a lady and her family i knew many years ago.Her name was Tovit shlomi.She had a little girl called neta in march 1988. The address at that time was 27 Yehezkel st,Tel-aviv.She had a sister called bela and 2 nieces called imbal and hadar at that time they were 15 and 12. My name was Joanne Rhodes before i married.I helped look after Neta for Tovit and would love to get in touch again.If anyone knows of her or her family please get in touch with me.or the name of another web site that might be better. > > Thank you for your help .> Joanne Buckley > (nee Rhodes)>

The message touched my heart, and also fired off a neuron somewhere that triggered a whole set of memories.

I quickly penned the following response:

While we're on the subject, there was a Flexer family in Winnipeg in the sixties. They had a little girl named Shlomit in grade 3 when I was in grade nine, that would be the year of the '67 war. I heard some of them later relocated to Be'er Sheva or something. At the time, her mother frowned on her talking to a boy six years older than her, but I guess it wouldn't matter now, as she would be 48.

Whoa.

Any takers?

If yes, tell her I was the one with the ears.

2006-11-05T08:05:00.000-08:00

In this entry, Barry councils a colleague in distress.
Not long ago, I received the following request:

Dear Barry,

I would like to use some of your collected song lyrics in my class, but I have no way to present the song to the class, unless I use my almost depleted xerox card to photo a copy per student. Our school does not even have an OHP.

(signed) Despondent and transparent

Dear Despond,

What are you whining about? Be thankful you still have a Xerox card. For years, the only time I saw "OHP" was when one of our students tried to write the word "Hope." I'll let you in on a technique I have used many times in low bracket schools: You put up the screen, (an old white bedsheet will do, thought it's advisable to wash it first, and in front of the screen about two meters, you hold or support a piece of poster paper with a 1.5 cm square hole in the middle. Or maybe a 1.5 cm (square hole) in the middle, I forget which. Then you call in the principal who can't even get you a measly OHP and ask him to drop his trousers and bend down, facing the students. As he 'moons' the front of the room, beams of white light strike the poster paper. Enough light goes through the hole to light up the screen and project the transparency onto the wall for the students to see. Don't feel shy about requesting this from your principal, it's something they teach them at administrator's course and they'll be only too glad to oblige.

Sincerely,
` B.S.

2006-11-02T13:59:00.000-08:00

JUST SOMETHING I WROTE FOR PUBLICATION ABROAD

One of the lovely things you can still do when writing for a paper abroad is lie your head off. Especially if it's the paper of a remote community, where nobody is going to make the ten thousand mile trip just to check up on you.

Once upon a time in 1970, four American teenagers were blongering around Kiriat Ono, a suburb of Tel Aviv. Two were Bar Ilan students, and the other two had come as tourists after getting this message from the first two: Student life is boring; pack up all your instruments from our rock band, hop on a plane, and lets try to make a go of it on the local music scene.

And so they did. Billed as "Yom Velaila," they sat on benches with performers like young Zvika Pik, waiting for gigs from their managers, Saban and Talit. Yes, this is when entertainment mogul Haim Saban was still in diapers. Yehuda Kesar, who later led the Yemenite 'Oud' group, was just a gawky kid who'd drop in to their apartment and grab their guitar to play, as he didn't have one yet.
Anyway, for their debut, they got a write up in the entertainment section of Ma'Ariv, relating how they had appeared on the Ed Sullivan show, how Sly and the Family Stone did the warm up for them at Woodstock, and other lies. It was pretty funny and nobody was supposed to take it seriously.

I recalled this as I read a recent back issue of a Western Canadian Jewish Newspaper. They were publishing my 'as Katyushas fall' journal, so I was curious to see what else got in there. My curiosity was piqued by a write up about "one of the leading figures in divorce counseling in Northern Israel." Someone who I had never heard mentioned by Simon, a good friend and a local divorce counselor. The other day I asked him about the 'leading figure' . Well, my friend was quite amused to see the promo: This guy, he explained, is a disaster in his job, and he himself had a horribly messy divorce after which he left town. However, the Netanya correspondent for this newspaper is his uncle."
So we see that even in today's age of information highways, if you're writing about people ten thousand miles away, you can get away with almost anything. However, that doesn't apply to the bond of trust between you, dear reader and me. I want to reassure you that I won't use this column for my own gains; I won't tell you that I am Israel's most accomplished educator or that my wife (the shrink) runs three university departments. My son, (the paratrooper) did not disarm ten Hizballoonie nests over the town of Binge'Pale, and my daughter didn't graduate Magna cum Estee Lauder from Hebrew U. My son who collects Katyusha fragments has not assembled his own Merkava tank. Furthermore, my next door neighbour (small time drug pushing) does not grow 15 frond marijuana leaves and our cat did not disarm a terrorist rat cell. You can trust me. Just because I announced the birth of my new cousin in Toronto and got the father's name wrong doesn't mean I'm going to lie to you. But you can still come visit Israel and check up on me

.

Barry Silverberg… Nov 2. 2006

2006-09-05T05:56:00.000-07:00

NEW ENGLISH TEACHING PLAN IMPORTS /TRABBELS

Israel to Import English teachers Ynet News June 28, 2006 By Tamar Trabelsi-Hadad
As solution to decrease in number of teachers certified to teach English, Ministry of Education plans to encourage immigration of Jewish teachers from abroad … … … don’t bother reading the tiny print[B]:
The ministry plans to tempt teachers to immigrate to Israel by promising them work and benefits in the educational system. … … … the ministry appealed to the Jewish Agency in order to create a joint plan to locate teachers in … … …. the United States.
According to Abuav, there are currently almost 250 English teachers that have a teacher's certificate, but are not certified to teach English. The shortage has been a problem for years and, thus, the ministry has been forced to compromise and let these
Here comes the funny part: [B]
In order to convince English teachers to immigrate or to convince English speakers to join the teachers corps, the Ministry of Education intends to subsidize the certification process, guarantee jobs, and provide financial incentives to teachers, including involvement with rent for those teaching in peripheral regions, where the shortage is most prevalent. These benefits constitute a 70 to 80 percent increase in the regular salary.
You can read the rest of the article here, but why bother? http://www.etni.org/news/import_teachers.htm
IN THE CAREFREE DAYS BEFORE THE WAR, WE SPOTTED THE FOLLOWING ITEM ON YNET: BUT WE LET IT GO BY; WE HAD OUR ETAI PRESENTATION TO PLAN, THOSE OF US WITH CHILDREN HAD TO ATTEND A THOUSAND END OF YEAR PARTIES, AND, WITH THE SCENT OF SUMMER VACATION SWELLING OUR NASAL PASSAGES, WE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WITH IT. (I CHANGED THE FONT AND OMITTED SOME LINES, BUT DID NOT CHANGE THE ARTICLE ONE WHIT.)
Now that the dust has settled and collected its compensation from Mas Rehoosh, I have a chance to respond to this article. At the time, there was a huge hue and cry from English teachers who took umbrage. Studies show that very few of those who took umbrage took home an extra 80% in their paycheck. Who, then is getting the extra cash increment? "It ain't me babe," (Bob Dylan, 1965). But I've noticed that when one of my colleagues goes to the facilities, she takes her own smooth toilet tissue in with her. And the facilities are in a stretch limo.
So the trick is to leave your job in a huff, go to hool (in a handbasket), and come back as a new immigrant in a Honda. Fortunately, Israel is appointing a new absorbtion minister, one with great absorbtion capability:

AND IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT, ONCE we start importing from other countries, other countries start importing from us. But what to we have that other countries need, except for good hummus? Here are some headlines that I expect to see shortly:
CANADA TO IMPORT 1500 ISRAELI DRIVERS TO BRIGHTEN UP DULL HIGHWAYS
SWITZERLAND TO IMPORT 50 ISRAELI LITTERBUGS
SLOVENIA TO IMPORT 40 REDUNDANT CABINET MINISTERS
ISRAEL TO EXPORT 7000 MATH TEACHERS AND REPLACE THEM WITH TEXTBOOKS
ALASKA TO IMPORT 700 ISRAELI BULLIES TO USE ON POLAR BEARS
HOLLAND TO IMPORT 600 RUBBER STAMPING PSYCHOLOGISTS for LD EVALUATIONS; PROSTITUTION MAY BE LEGAL BUT THERE ARE THINGS THE GIRLS JUST WON'T DO
AFGHANISTAN TO IMPORT 30,000 APATHETIC ISRAELI CITIZENS
KENYA TO IMPORT 2000 ISRAELI SLAVE TRADERS
IRAN TO BUY UP SURPLUS DOVRAT REPORTS
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC TO IMPORT 50,000 ISRAELI DRIVERS WHO STOP TO TALK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
CHAD SEEKS TO PURCHASE ISRAELIS WHO LEAVE STALE BREAD ON TOP OF GARBAGE CANS
SRI LANKA HOPES TO TRADE SURPLUS SLUGS FOR THE ENTIRE 'KADIMA' PARTY
ITALY WILL TAKE IN 1200 PRINCIPALS AND INSPECTORS WHO GOT TO WHERE THEY ARE TODAY BECAUSE THEY WERE AWFUL TEACHERS AND GOT BOOTED UPSTAIRS
BOSNIA-HERPES-TOGOVINA HOPING TO TAKE IN 25 HAIFA SHOPPERS WHO DECIDE THEY DON'T WANT THE YOGHURT AND PLACE IT ON THE SHELF NEXT TO THE PASTA OR THE CLEANING FLUIDS
BELGIUM SEARCHING FOR 45 JERUSALEMITE CHILD MOLESTERS
EDMONTON JUNIOR HIGH IS WILLING TO TAKE THAT WOMAN WHO WAITS TIL NOBODY'S IN THE TEACHERS' ROOM AND STICKS HER FILTHY FINGERS IN YOUR MAIL CUBBYHOLE AT SCHOOL.
EVERY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, THOUGH THEY REFUSED TO TAKE IN DESPERATE JEWS ONLY 60 YEAR AGO, IS WILLING TO IMPORT AS MANY MUSLIM EXTREMISTS AS THEY CAN. GO FOR IT.
CALIFORNIA TO IMPORT 300 'GOOD HUMMOUS MAN' DELIVERY CARTS AND DRIVERS
FLIN FLON, MANITOBA IS EAGERLY SEEKING TO IMPORT ONE LOUSY SATIRE WRITER FROM KIRIAT SHMONA.

BARRY SILVERBERG PRODUCTS: WE PUT THE SHMO IN KIRIAT SHMONA
OCTOBER 29, (YEMENITE HALLOW E'EN) 2006

2006-08-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

HULA - HOOP

2006-08-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

HULA - HOOP

Dear Readers,
While the rockets were falling, I held a contest to find a name for the new war.
After all, we have often seen a name without a war, but we have never seen a war without a name.

Someone immediately suggested, "milhemmet Shalom La-Galeel" which is not bad, especially if someone has just delivered toilet paper to your bomb shelter.

Anyway, here is the site where you can see who won: ( the contest, that is).

http://www.etni.org.il/teachers/barry/Name_That_WarII.doc
http://www.etni.org.il/teachers/barry/Name_That_WarII.doc
===============================================
Notes from I-Told-You-So II New Article Posted 23/8

Just because the rockets have stopped falling down doesnt' mean they've begun falling up.And, another thing, what hit song introduced the musical review by IDF Reservists in south Lebanese Auditoriums last week?And, what is the tune to Frank Zappa's " Dog Breath Variations" and how is it connected to today's news?The answers you are NOT going to find in this article: http://www.etni.org/teachers/barry/Penguins_perish.docBut in the next one, maybe.Barry

2006-08-18T02:28:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone.

Here is my latest piece, THE NAME THAT WAR WIENERS

SOON it will be available as a link, but so far it is just a document with all the colour and fonts edited out. But at least you have some thing for shabbat.

Yes, my friends in the studio audience:

Time to announce the winners your favorite game,

NAME
THAT
WAR!!

Update: As you recall, Israel went to war last month so unprepared that the government never remembered to declare it or announce a state of war. So what did we have in the shelter for five weeks? Chopped liver? My liver certainly feels chopped. And so does the rest of me.

Anyway, I'm sure you remember that I was horrified that we were in a war without a name. I've often seen a name without a war but etc etc etc etc…

So I singlehandedly sprang into action and dealt with the emergency in the best way possible. I immediately notified my broker to liquidate all my stocks in anything Israeli or American, and buy Iranian!

No, that was the Chief of Stuff. ( Some of us thought he was made of better stuff than that, but the rest of us knew he was stuffed all along.)
What I did was to announce the contest that would give this war a name. To help you all out, I printed a list of all the military and quasi military wars, operations, campains that we fought in the past. ( Except for some of the covert operations, like Moshe Dayan, Operation Hide the Salami, or the long running Operation Vilify the Patriots.)

So, who won? Not the war, we all know that, unfortunately. (but we did come in second). Who won the 'Name That War' contest?

THIRD PRIZE DAVID DIAMOND, CANADA WITH

"PREPARATION 'H'"
(Hammas, Hizbollah, Hemmoroidal; pains in the rectum all, and the war was supposed to cure them.)

SECOND PRIZE
Goes to RUNDTANZ P KALTVASSER with
"מלחמת חצי גמר"

CONDOLATION PRICE:
Richard Steinetz with

'SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG'

AND, NOW THE WINNER!

' THE TOLD-YA- SO WAR!'
Submitted by B. Arisilv and R. Berg
מלחמת אמרתי'ך

EXCUSE ME SIR.
YES?
I'M FROM 'JACKAL NEWS.' ISN'T THIS NAME ONE YOU MADE UP YOURSELF?
So?
YOU GAVE A CONTEST BUT THE PRIZE WAS RIGGED IN ADVANCE.
SO?
DON'T YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? DID THE MAYOR OF KIRIAT SHMONA HAVE A PROBLEM PUTTING HIS FAMILY, HIS EX WIFE'S FAMILY, AND ALL HIS FRIENDS AND CRONIES INTO 5 STAR HOTELS FOR A MONTH WHILE THE POOR FOLK ROTTED IN SHELTERS?
NO.
DID DAN HALUTZ HAVE A PROBLEM ARRANGING HIS INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO AS THOUSANDS OF SOLDIERS WERE RUSHING TO THE FRONT?
NO.
DID THE SHELTERS OF TSFAT HAVE KEYS?
Well, not really.
See? We're living in an I told-ya so universe!

/BARRY SILVERBERG OUT OF THE SHELTER
KIRIAT SHMONA LITE (ONLY 86%)
18.8

And to all you people in the north who went through hell for five weeks and need posttrauma activities, the government has this for you:

Why does this pastrauma
taste like the same old baloney?

/Barry Silverberg, Kiriat Shmona Lite, 87%

Coming soon: The "Told ya so war" theme song:

To the tune of " Dayenu"

Preview: When we gave back Sinai,
Told ya so, didn’t' I
They'd come back for the whole pie,
1 Told-ya so!
ANGUISHED Chorous:

told ya so, Told ya so, Told ya so, I could have told ya so!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

2006-08-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

THE I-TOLD-YOU SO JOURNAL Wednesday, AUG 9
/ a personal I witness account of the war against the Hizbolla, by Barry Silverberg, on the spot, although the spot is getting hot.

The explosion tears through the walls of the house and tears through your body with a deafening crack, rattling the windows and shoving the doors. You jump, but you're not worried. It's one of ours. Then there's another one: A bursting report followed by an echoing sound, as if superman were flying off to save Metropolis. KAPOW! Wungawungawunga wunga wunga…. .The howitzer batteries deployed not far from our town are firing their 70 kilo shells. They fly way over our heads and into Lebanese territory, where they are providing cover for Israeli military action, or destroying the rocket launchers that have turned our summer into chaos. God guide their flight and give us something in return for this constant noise.

Knowing that its one of ours gives some relief, but as these things pound away hour after hour, day after day, your nerves get worn away. Think of those old comic book sound effects that just burst through the picture.

If you've been following the reports of the war, (the news reports, no pun intended), you've seen that the foreign news people always ask how the locals can tell this friendly, but acrimonious fire from the real rockets that kill us. Ours go BANG whizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and theirs go fizzzzzzzzzzzzz BANG. I've had several times when I stuck my nose out the door thinking all was already clear, heard the approaching whizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and pulled my head in so fast that my glasses and teeth were left in the air and I had to open the door again and grab them back to my face and slam the door again before the BOOM came.

But that is not all. Aside from the shooting of our big guns and the barrages of incoming Katyusha rockets there is also the
siren that goes off whenever the radar
detects that rockets have crossed the border
in our direction.
Almost. Sometime the rockets come in
before the siren, because the border is so
close. Most barrages include a bunch of far
away booms, and two or three that resound with
a mighty clap meaning they've probably hit
the town. Then there are the light aircraft,
crop dusters spraying flame retardant on the
trees to slow the fires down. There are fighter
jets and helicopters in the sky. And there are all
sorts of muffled booms and pounding from
cannons further away, anti aircraft fire,
occasional gunfire, and mortars; just so we'll
have a change from our steady diet of Katyushas.
So a pleasant summer morning in Kiriat Shmona
Sounds something like this:
I wrote this as the war rolled into its 5th week. I wrote it in bits and snatches, because most of the day goes on my volunteer work, taking cover during the missile alerts, and doing the basic essentials to keep a family going: laundry, meals, the garden, hugging. Several times the siren sounded while I was mid sentence, and I frantically reached for control S and ran downstairs. The shelter has the TV, and we left the computer on the middle floor, which is somewhat protected.
There are many accounts of this war for there are more news crews in town than residents, and every boy has his blog. This account will be somewhat different.
If you enjoyed it, then pass it along; preferably to someone who will publish it and send money, but to friends is also OK. I have my own ideas about what aspects to write about but I welcome questions, too.

Barry Silverberg,
90% of Kiriat Shmona,
August 9, 2006

Recent articles can be found here:
http://hulahhoop.blogspot.com

http://www.etni.org/teachers/barry/barry.htm

New Lamentation for Ninth of Av
http://www.etni.org/teachers/barry/FirstSongforLatestWar.doc

See more Silverbergs live on ITN (yawn! Where's my makeup girl)
. http://www.itn.co.uk/

2006-08-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

SILVERBERG FAMILY BRINGS FACE OF WAR TO CNN'S ANDERSON COOPER

GO TO THIS ADDRESS AND SCROLL ALMOST ALL THE WAY DOWN,
TIL YOU FIND AN ITEM "KIDS COLLECT ROCKET FRAGMENTS' OR SOMESUCH

http://edition.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2006/mideast.crisis/video/week4.html

2006-07-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, my friends in the TV audience:

Time to play your favorite game,

NAME THAT WAR!!
YES, YOU ALL REMEMBER SUCH GREAT CONFLICTS SUCH AS :
INVEIGH ZAAM ( GRAPES OF WRATH)
DEAN V' HASHBON ( ACCOUNTING)
HOMM AT MA AGAIN (PROPHYLACTIC BARRIER)
SHELOM HAGALIL (PEACE OF THE TOILET PAPER ROLL)
HIT NOT CUTE ( ISRAEL'S FIRST CIVIL WAR)
MIVTSA AMMONA (ISRAEL'S FIRST REAL CIVIL WAR)
GEESH MAY KITES ( THIS MONTHS ATTEMPT TO STOP THE KASSAMS AND FREE A CAPTURED SOLDIER)
BUT HOW MANY OF YOU CAN IDENTIFY THESE???
(HELP: BELOW IS A LIST OF THE ALL ISRAEL'S MILITARY OPERATIONS IN HEBREW. FOR REAL)
OPERATION FIRST FRUITS… HAND TO A BROTHER ……OPERATION RAINBOW
(these sound like operations of the upcoming gay pride parade, not the IDF)
Or these:
OPERATION NOAH'S ARK…… OPERATION SONG OF THE POPLAR TREE
TO CONTINUE, PLEASE PAGE DOWN:

YOU'LL FIND ALL THESE OPERATIONS HERE

מבצעי צבא ההגנה לישראל
. To save space, I have edited out the operations before '76. Ed.
· מבצע אבירי לב - צליחת תעלת סואץ בעת מלחמת יום הכיפורים.
· מבצע יונתן - הצלת בני ערובה ישראליים שנחטפו בטיסת "אייר פרנס" ונלקחו על ידי מחבלים לאנטבה שבאוגנדה (יולי 1976).
· מבצע ליטני - כניסת כוחות גדולים של צה"ל לדרום לבנון על מנת להפסיק ירי קטיושות על יישובי צפון ישראל (1978, 1979).
· מבצע אופרה - הפצצת הכור העיראקי על ידי מטוסי חיל האוויר הישראלי (יוני 1981).
· מבצע דין וחשבון - מבצע רחב היקף של חיל האוויר, חיל שיריון ו חיל התותחנים בדרום לבנון כתגובה על ההסלמה בגבול הצפון.(יולי 1993)
· מבצע ענבי זעם - כניסת כוחות גדולים של צה"ל לדרום לבנון על מנת להפסיק ירי קטיושות על יישובי צפון ישראל (אפריל 1996).
· מבצע שירת הצפצפה - מבצע של הקומנדו הימי בלבנון שבו נהרגו 11 לוחמים.
· מבצע שינוי כיוון - מבצע בלבנון שהחל ב-13 ביולי, 2006 בעקבות חטיפת שני חיילי צה"ל ב-12 ביולי, ומטרתו להרחיק את חיזבאללה מגדר הגבול בין ישראל ללבנון ולהחזרת החטופים.
· מבצעים באינתיפאדת אל-אקצא:
o מבצע תיבת נוח - לכידת ספינת הנשק הפלסטינית קארין איי (ינואר 2002).
o מבצע חומת מגן - טיהור יהודה ושומרון ממעבדות חבלה וממחבלים במהלך אינתיפאדת אל-אקצה (אפריל 2002).
o מבצע דרך נחושה - המשך טיהור יהודה ושומרון מתשתיות הטרור וביצוע מאות פעולות נקודתיות כנגד הטרור באופן רציף (יוני 2002)
o מבצע קשת בענן - כניסה לרפיח על מנת לחלץ את שרידי הגופות של חיילי צוות המנהרות ולטהר את רפיח ממחבלים ומנהרות הברחה (מאי 2004).
o מבצע ימי תשובה - מבצע נרחב בצפון רצועת עזה על מנת למנוע ירי רקטות קסאם על שדרות (אוקטובר 2004).
o מבצע יד לאחים - מבצע בשיתוף עם משטרת ישראל לשכנע את מתנחלי רצועת עזה וארבע התנחלויות מצפון השומרון להתפנות בהסכמה תוך סיוע והבעת אמפתיה מצד החיילים (אוגוסט 2005).
o מבצע גשם ראשון - קשת התקפות ופעולות של צה"ל ברצועת עזה, בעקבות ירי כבד של רקטות קסאם על שדרות (ספטמבר 2005).
o מבצע שמיים כחולים - מבצע שבו הוקם "אזור החיץ" שמטרתו להגן מפני ירי קסאמים על אשקלון ושדרות (דצמבר 2005).
o מבצע מכת ברק - סדרת תקיפות אוויריות ברצועת עזה בגיבוי הפגזה ארטילרית, ששיאן ביצוע 4 סיכולים ממוקדים בהם נהרגו כ-9 מחבלים. המבצע באה בעקבות ירי כבד של רקטות קסאם על קיבוץ כרמיה (פברואר 2006).
o מבצע הבאת ביכורים - לכידת רוצחי רחבעם זאבי ובכירי טרור פלסטינים שעמדו להשתחרר מכלא יריחו (מרץ 2006).
o מבצע גשמי קיץ - מבצע ברצועת עזה לשחרור החייל החטוף גלעד שליט

SO, NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE NAMES OF ALL THE OTHER OPERATIONS, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CALL OUR CURRENT ESCAPADE?

OPERATION STRIKE OUT? HIZBOLLAS IN A SLING?
OPERATION SURPRISE PACKAGE? MISSILE BEACH?

SEND IN YOUR ZANY CREATIVE IDEAS AND YOU MAY BE THE WINNER!

PRIZES: FIRST PRIZE: A DAY IN THE SHELTER OF THE KIRIAT SHMONA HOTEL.
SECOND PRIZE: A WEEK IN THE SHELTER OF THE KIRIAT 8 HOTEL.
CONSOLATION PRIZE: WE'LL ALL CONSOLE EACH OTHER.

/BARRY SILVERBERG 2 STORIES UNDER/
KIRIAT SHMONA 19.7

2006-03-19T13:07:00.000-08:00

A LETTER OF APPLICATION

. , 25 Berl Street

. Hamaktesh Hanamooh
DN This land is my land
. Israel
. March 12, 2006
The Supreme Being
Heavenly Throne 1 (and only,)
The World to Come
PoB Western Wall,
Hole 7487
Jerusalem

Dear Our Father, Our King,

I would like to apply for an accommodation (hatamma) as specified in the body of this letter.
I am a 54 year old Ashenazi male living in a border development town. I immigrated from Canada at the age of 18 and am now employed as a teacher of English.
Ever since childhood, I have been plagued by feelings of inadequacy and failure. My mother sent me to Frankel's store with a shopping list, and if I returned at all, it was with a totally different set of items. In school, I could not catch a ball so I stayed an outsider from all the games. When mixed dances began in fourth grade, my feet would not co operate and I never knew what to say to befriend the girls.
And so it went, through high school, army service and university. While everybody agreed that I was bright and talented, I never seemed to get anywhere. As an English speaker in Israel, I drifted through a series of jobs and finally ended up an English teacher in a school where they would take you if you could recite the ABC, and they weren't overly particular if you got the vowels right.

As I was by this time married and a father to several youngsters, I had no choice but to make an effort. I worked hard at my job to stay employed, and by lesson by lesson learned the tricks of the trade. The years saw many setbacks, emotional and financial, but I eventually built up a decent reputation as a teacher . Today I am proud of the family that I helped raise and provide for.

Not long ago, while doing an in-service course about learning disabilities, I decided to take some tests. I never thought of doing so before, as I was always a voracious reader and exams --especially in language and literature -- were always easy for me. To my surprise, I was diagnosed as 'EDF' : Executive DysFunction, a disorder that affects the owner's ability to plan and execute actions, and which described my situation perfectly.
I realize that, as you are Omniscient there is no need for me to quote the literature, however, Kristin S Knight puts it forward so clearly it’s a shame not to:
People who have Executive Dysfunction tend to develop pretty negative beliefs about their ability in the areas where their problems are most visible where their dysfunction shows up the most. They -- Have difficulty with goal setting, often not grasping the point of setting them -- Have difficulty overriding an emotion in order to behave appropriately or positively in a situation -- Have very low tolerance for failure or frustration. Will quit rather than try another approach, even when one is suggested. --Tend to believe that accepting suggestions or help indicates weakness. -- Tend to locate the source of their troubles outside their control. --Have difficulty putting a sequence of steps in order, or even realizing that there are sub-goals to be accomplished on the way to the finish. -- Need prompting to consider the feelings or views of others --Fail to see the big picture, or the connections between details --See only the big picture, missing the trees for the forest. http://mywebpages.comcast.net/kskkight/index.html

Now that I had a handle on the problem, I forged ahead. After countless sessions of intensive coaching and months of personality reframing, I feel that I am finally getting to where I should have been at the age of 28. Seeing as my basic genetic/neurological makeup was granted to me by Your Divine Providence, I humbly request the accommodation of time extension (toseffet zman). According to my calculations, another 26 years should just about do it, that is, bring me up to where I should have been, and putting me on par with my contemporaries who did not suffer from this disability.
Of course, in your Divine Generosity, YOU could round it up to 30.
I have no objection in receiving this time in yearly installments of six months each, starting from this fiscal year.
I am prepared to meet with you at any convenient time to discuss this matter further. Shabbat is right out, probably for you as well; perhaps toward the middle of the week during Shacharit?

Sincerely,
B William

CC: Malachi Movit, Chief Executor, Death Angels Inc,
Ms Limor Livnat, Director, Ministry of Education, Sport, Culture and Redundancy
Ms Judy Steiner, Chief Inspector of English

2006-03-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

A PLAIN BROWN RAPPER

RECENTLY I RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING REQUEST:

"Can anyone reccomend rap songs in English for use with junior high school students? I am looking for songs with "clean lyrics," that is not full of references to sex and> violence.>> Thanks>> ( a teacher)

I immediately penned the following reply, which strangely enough, did not appear on the English teachers' site.

Thus was I required to go back to this blog that I began so long ago and then dropped like a hot bowl of chicken soup with avian flu:
Dear teacher: All rap music lyrics are clean, as long as you can convince the pupils that these definitions are definite:
A: "HO'" is a garden tool.
B: "FUK" Means Frequently Unasked Kwestions
C: "HUMPS" are road obstacles deliberately placed to slow down traffic.
D: "ASS" is a donkey, see Shreck.
E: "NIGGA" is Amharic for tomorrow.
F: "MUDDAFUK" is a Hebrew slang expression of mild astonsihlment, as in "?? מה, דפוק??? "

So, See ya ASS later, NIGGA!
Sincerely, Barry Silverberg

2005-10-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

SNEESON'S GREEETINGS:
OR:
RETROGRADE ETROG -ADE

Barry Silverberg, of Kiriat Shmona via Winnipeg, looks back on the last 3 months through the Succa door:

The air in the Succa is as crisp as a cornflake, as I sit down at the computer. The network of wires and cables snakes through the schach.
Schach.
Achchchchcch! (I let out a sight of contentment)
Chag Samayach-ach-ach! (How much do you bet if I attack Bush on this page I'll get a Nobel prize for modern poetry?)
Chag Sam ay acchchchchchchchch!
This is a good time to clear your throat as well as your mind, especially if you spent the last two chilly nights outdoors.
Being sandwiched among 7 family members and several pets is no big deal to those of us who spent the August heat wave in Kfar Maymon Dissent Resort, where we slept 35,000 to a bed. Some of you weren't there, though at the time it felt like everybody was there, and you may have spent the week in Eilat or Panantanaikos in a four star, maybe even a five star hotel. Where we were you couldn't number the stars!

That's already three months away. The summer came to its bitter end; school, for most of us began, the high holidays flew by. November is already just a sneeze away and some of my classes, which always fell on the holidays have barely gotten off the ground. Particularly my 'Zayyin' boys class, which our staff feels is the wildest batch in years; I only met them a few times, always at 3:00 PM between sport and the final bell, and they hadn't received their books yet. Most of them still think I'm the custodian.

Below, I have inserted a picture to give you an idea of where I'm at when I write. You can all send me back pictures of your yards or kitchen, depending where you set the limits of intimacy between writer and reader. This picture shows the peaceful view from our yard, several dozen meters up the Naftali hills. The two girls in the box are not supposed to be in the picture but I don't have time to look up how to snip bits off pictures. Soon they will come out of the box and roll down the slope. Unfortunately, the lawn ends in a 20 foot cliff. That little shrub you see behind the brown rock is really a fully blown eucalyptus tree. Ahah! I've just used by burgeoning computer skills to position a bright orange arrow over said tree.

Next installment: A scene from our succa?

THE GRASSY KNOLL OF KIRIAT SHMONAH.

Kiriat Shmona, October 20, under the branches.

2005-09-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

I have joined the ranks of the bloggers! This is very exciting.
I can put in my (not on ETNI) article. Just the pictures dont come out.

SOLDIERS, COPS STILL HOSPITALIZED WITH MULTIPLE DISENGAGEMENT INJURIES
shell fragments, battering, deep wounds, acid… See Inside

Satire by Barry Silverberg,

An indefinite number of IDF soldiers and police who participated in the forced evacuation of Kfar Darom, Sa-nur and other settlements are still receiving hospital treatment while others will continue to undergo intensive therapy. These facts were released today by the security forces Department of Creative Information.
One of the most serious categories of injuries is shell fragments from eggs thrown at them by grief -stricken teenagers. According to Dr Pollette Bentam, chief supervisor of the laundry ward at Ichilove, hospital most of the eggs hurled were of size "2" (American terms, A- regular). "Fragments from size 2 eggs are particularly nasty. They can wedge their way into hair and clothing, and so are extremely problematic to remove."
The anguish of the soldiers was intensified when on Monday, after several weeks of unending action, several members of Golani, frustrated that the delay in the food supply, removed their uniforms and wrung them out in order to fry omelets on the hoods of the bulldozers in the 40 + heat. "These bits of shell, mixing into the batter, become almost unnoticeable. Soldiers who ate the omeletes complained of an unpleasant, gritty feeling between their teeth, rendering them practically useless for combat duties such as hunting small children in olive orchards hair pulling, breaking windows, evicting widows and breaking widows' windows.

Other casualties were caused by epithets and imprecations hurled violently at the security forces by the lawless orange clad resisters. Most seriously injured were high ranking military personnel. Aluf Mishne P. for example, was treated at Assoff Harofeff Hospital for deep wounds to his pride and severe lacerations to the ego. "I was an platoon leader in '82 and currently serve as a Brigade Commander along the Eastern Command. I have been in countless military operations and twice hit by rifle and shrapnel. Last week, as I deployed my twelve hundred troops around the house of a widow and her children, a teenage girl in a long blue skirt shouted, "Gestapo!" I keeled right over. Fortunately, my brave Samech (second in command) walked through the fire of curses and pulled me out of range. I hope they give him a medal."
Others were not so lucky. By far the worst victims were those from acid. Reports of acid first appeared during accounts of the raid on the Neve Dekalim Hotel. Soon every journalist in the country had a newer and stronger acid report. Politicians, Super Models and major goalies, who were just beginning to feel some sympathy for the dazed and homeless evacuees, now grabbed every microphone available to self righteously declaim how the uncontrollable hooligans of the extreme right had gone too far, and the how if you ask them, the faster the houses get torn down the better. The man on the street now believed that the settlers had it coming to them, and the woman on the street agreed but took 200 shekels for the first forty minutes.
Our reporters interviewed the department heads of plastic surgery in the major hospitals, to ask, "How many policemen are still being treated for acid burns and disfigurement?" In most cases, after checking through hundreds of recent admissions from the emergency ward, wagging of many beards and shaking of endless department heads, the answer was, w-e-e-e-l – l maybe twel-- no, nine -- A lot closer to three --. Well, actually a nearly, almost, -- zero. However, in Sirocco, they had a picture of one, for a while, but it turned out to be that ex Lebanese TV anchor person, who had undergone extensive surgery in 1997 after her jealous husband burned her face away.

What then, spurred the flurry of acid reports? We located Adi Billit, one of the first on the spot reporters to scoop the acid story. She staunchly defended the accuracy and integrity of her report: "Some of the guys had bottles of Ritspaz. They were getting desperate, so they poured it down. When I used to do sponja, I remember that that can really sting, if it gets in your eyes. Then there was the orange juice. A few days before the checkpoints got really tight, one of the moshavim sent in crates of orange popsicles and cans of orange juice. So, up on the roofs, there was a lot of orange juice. They saw how the policemen were dehydrating down below, so they shared what they had. Orange juice has citric acid, so I was telling the truth. So there!" Billit hotly denied that, at the journalists big "Disengagement Party" in Ashdod the night before, a lot of acid of another sort was passed around, along with other presents from police hi-ups. She debunked as 'infantile' one reporter from HaAretz who was heard to report, "They got us soooooooo mellow that we could hardly repeat what the government wanted us to say!"

Note: The following site you can see victims who were disfigured by acid. Go look. I haven't got the heart to paste the picture in here.
According to current statistics, even by news sources who trumpeted the 'acid- from- the- roof tops story ' from –er- the rooftops, the number of verified acid victims among security forces during the disengagement averages out to nearly 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000.
http://cellar.org/iotd.php?threadid=2987

Kiriat Shmona, September 4, 2005